The Wonder of One
In a few short hours, my baby will be one year old.
I remember the intense excitement I felt on the eve of Sabrina’s first birthday. I took the day off school, bailing on my practicum teaching assignment in favour of spending the day with my big girl. Presents were bought and wrapped far in advance. I couldn’t wait for the big day. I awoke with such a feeling of joy and accomplishment: One whole year, and the kid was still alive!!!
This time, I don’t need to assess my priorities and twist my schedule to be home for the big day–I’m on mat. leave. I gave Regan her sippy cup today (she needed one!), and I’m not going to bother wrapping the blocks. Don’t get me wrong–I’m thrilled that Regan is still alive after a year. That she’s a happy and thriving little girl. But that sense of relief–that a huge weight has been lifted–isn’t there this time.
But that may be because it was never there this time. With Sabrina, I was back at school in 3 weeks. With Regan, I’ve been home fulltime for almost a year and counting. It’s not no pressure, but it’s a different, easier to manage pressure.I worried all the time about Sabrina; if she slept past her schedule, I was sure she’d died in her crib. I have never once felt that about Regan, and not just because this time I’m a secure enough parent to co-sleep.
My best friend says I’m calmer this year. That I’ve mellowed. I think she’s right. Regan has slowed things down and made them easier. She’s encouraged me to be more myself, but in a way that leaves room for other people, too. She’s rounded the jagged edges. I won’t say they’re smooth–I don’t think I’d ever want them to be–but they aren’t as sharp as they used to be.
Sabrina stirred up my life in wondrous, exciting ways (and still does). Regan seems to settle it. It is still wondrous and exciting, but it’s not scary anymore.
With Sabrina, One was the milestone that said: “We survived.” Regan’s first birthday isn’t about survival. It’s about how we thrived this year.
With Sabrina, the feeling was one of relief. With Regan, it’s all about the anticipation.