Warning: This Is The One Where I Lose My Shit
I’m shaking.
I think I might throw up. Again.
I’m too upset to cry.
We took Zen Baby down for her C-T Scan. Foolish, naieve (selfish) me, I thought it’d be a breeze. Far easier than *preparing* her for the scan, which involved withholding food, not allowing her to nurse for 5 hours, forcing her to drink something nasty (twice), and keeping an oxygen monitor on her toe (seriously, how does one keep an oxygen monitor on a pissed off one year old’s toe?).
But then we got to the suite. And Zen Baby was doing her part by falling asleep. But the nurse started quietly requesting an RT (respiratory tech) be called. Then more vigourously demanding it–only to be met with blank stares by the guys sitting behind the reception desk because they don’t actually work there. When the chick who does work there arrived, she got into a pissing match with my nurse. Who was trying to keep shit together and not freak out the mom, but wanted that RT stat.
But you see, I’m in a high stress profession where you need to converse on many layers. So I could read the tone, looks, body language (and the fact that by the end my nurse was shaking and looked near tears didn’t help).
So I kept it together. Got really freaked and did what I do, which is make a joke: “Should I pinch her?” (Zen Baby’s numbers were fine when pissed off). Got really freaked out when the nurse answered in all seriousness, “Yeah, let’s do that.” And did.
I watched, observed, actually reassured my nurse I thought she was doing a great job advocating for Zen Baby (how twisted is that? Did I ever mention that I was apologizing for being a bother while pushing Zen out???). Tried to keep the thought, “Oh God, my baby is dying in my arms” out of my head.
Failed.
Miserably.
Anyway, they blew oxygen in her nose, the number went back up (the problem being that when Zen Baby went to sleep, her o2 level dropped by at least 20 points while her heart rate remained the same, and since they’re not sure where the tumour is….badness) .
Oh, and the entire pediatric residency rotation answered the page to C-T. Running.
So, Zen Baby is having her C-T scan, and I’m freaking all of you out because I had to tell someone.
Sorry.