Life Is Lived On A Sliding Scale
I can’t believe it’s Saturday already. Where did the time go? All this week I’ve been living in a space outside of “real” time, it seems. A kind of “Unday”. Really, all the days are the same, differentiated only by what test will be done today, and whether or not it will require sedation. Even when we’ve been home this week, the fact that it’s March Break just contributes to the unreal feeling of the days.
You know that feeling that descends after you’ve had a baby? That sense that there was a life before this, but you can’t really recall it clearly? That’s how I’ve felt this last week and a half. I know there was a life before the words “tumour” and “Zen Baby” were used in the same sentence, but it seems dreamlike to me. Everything’s been reorganized around this new reality.
I think that’s the answer to the people who say, “How do you do it? I don’t think I could.” You know what? I think you could. Sure, you never really know how you’ll react in a crisis until you’re there–and I sincerely hope none of you ever need to find out how you would cope. But here’s the thing I’ve learned: You do it because you do. There really isn’t any other option. Things are happening, and they have to be dealt with. You don’t really have time to break down; there are far too many things to take care of for that.
I’m not saying I’ve haven’t broken down in tears, forgotten how to breathe, or been so upset that I literally made myself sick, because I’ve done all that. But I’ve also held my daughter during “procedures,” joked with nurses, and freaked out the doctor’s more than once with my sanguine attitude–The test requires you inject a small amount of radioactive dye? So? What’s it going to do, give her cancer?
This has been (and continues to be) the most horrible experience of my life. But there are lessons to be learned here. And the first one is apparently that life is lived on a sliding scale. What was intolerable yesterday may just be ok tomorrow.
Comment by Kara
I know this is wayyyy after the fact, but since I just found your blog today, I hope I can be forgven
) All I really want to say is that I completely agree with you. After our son was diagnosed with leukemia, all I heard was, “I don’t know how you are still going, I couldn’t do it.” But you know, the earth keeps spinning. It’s not like you can just say, “No thank you, I don’t want to deal with this today.” I believe, and will continue to believe, that you can adapt to almost anything. Life is not a constant, it continually changes and throws “new” at you, whether good or bad. Refusing to accept that something bad is happening and moving through it is almost as silly as refusing to accept winning the lottery just becuase it’s different. I admire your strength, and your willingness to admit that you did have bad moments, but I admire you more for living through it.
Posted on October 15, 2007 at 1:54 pm