What’s in a Name?
This blog is called “Sanity and the Solo Mom” for a reason. Partly because it’s about me, raising The Ladies on my own. But mostly because when iVillage and I were coming up with the title, my one hard and fast, non-negotiable position was that it not be called the “single” anything. I hate, hate, hate the term “Single Mother.” Actually, I’m not wild about “single parent,” either.
Truth be told, I’m not wild about putting any sort of adjective in front of the word “parent.” I think that in a lot of ways, being a parent is a pretty universal experience that has less to do with your committment to a partner than with your committment to your children. And yet, we tend to qualify our parenting as though marital status makes a difference. If you are married, you are simply a parent, no questions asked. Unmarried, and you lumped into a complicated category called “single parent,” also often without any other explanation.
What, really, defines the single parent experience? Is it simply the absence of a wedding ring and someone who hogs the covers? What about divorced parents? Even though they were once simply parents, and often continue to share parenting responsibilities long after they cease sharing a phone number, the fact that they no longer share a bathroom labels them “single parents.” But, don’t two singles make a double?
Which is not to say that people who independently co-parent are not single parents, just that they aren’t the only type of single parent out there. There’s a whole other breed of single parents–a group who share their responsibilities with no one. There are no “every other weekend and half of summer vacation” breaks and no discussions about report cards or doctor’s appointments for these parents; they do it all, all the time, all on their own.
Recently, someone on the iVillage Single Mom’s message board suggested that these parents are “true” single parents. It understandably caused some controversy on the board, implying as it did that one single parent experience is more valid than the other. I don’t think one situation takes priority over the other, but I do think that they differ in some very important ways.
That’s why I chose to define myself as a “Solo Mom.” I think that if my experience has to be qualified, it more accurately describes my situation while respecting all those single parents out there. Because really, parents of all types deserve all the respect they can get.