Drinking on the Job
So, I have to wonder: Do the 57% of iVillage respondents who felt that cocktails have no place at a playdate also agree with Meredith Vieira’s implication that there’s really not much difference between a babysitter and a parent?
I’ve been leaving this particular can of worms alone for a variety of reasons; for one thing, a lot of bloggers out there have spoken very eloquently on the subject, and for another, I work for NBC. Hand that feeds you and all that. But the babysitter comment, and the dismissive attitude towards motherhood that it implies, was offensive. I get the intent behind the question Meredith Vieria asked–”what’s the difference between the babysitter choosing to have a glass of wine at playgroup and a mother making that choice?”–but I do not accept the premise.
It bothers me that a media outlet as powerful as The Today Show is playing into the Mommy Wars this way, and that a personality with as much pop culture clout as Meredith Vieira–herself a mother–is calling me a babysitter. I’ve worked hard for my credibility as a mother–as a solo mother, a working mother, and a stay-at-home mother. I refuse to accept that my role in my children’s life is interchangeable with that of the woman I pay $4 an hour to watch my daughter while I’m at work.
I have the utmost respect for caregivers. My mother was a home daycare provider for my entire childhood, and I do understand just how much work this job entails, and how valuable it is. My point, however, is that it IS a job. No matter how much a babysitter or caregiver may feel like she is raising someone else’s children, the fact is, they are someone else’s children and she is not the parent.
I think the question was meant to be provocative, to make us question why it’s ok for one group of people–mothers–to enjoy a glass of wine while supervising a playdate, but not another. However, the question ignores the central fact that mothers are not babysitters. We are the parents. We make the rules, decide on the values, and bear the full brunt of responsibility for these beings. Motherhood, while occasionally a chore, is not a job. It’s life.
That’s the final answer to Meredith’s question, if you ask me. It has nothing to do with Melissa Summer’s point about alcohol tolerance and everything to do with the fact that there is a very real difference between reality and pretend, between living your life and doing your job. When you are a mother, you are a mother 24/7, regardless of the circumstances of your day or where your child is. You are still the person in charge, the person ultimately accountable for the health and well being of those children. You may share that responsibility for a time with a caregiver, but it’s still your responsibility, and one that the caregiver, unlike a parent, can assume or discard at will. When the time is up, the babysitter is off duty to do as she pleases; I’ve yet to see a time sheet for motherhood. And I wouldn’t want to clock out on one even if I did. Like the majority of parents out there–single, partnered, working, and staying at home–I want to live my life with my kids, not around them.