Book Club: Single Mom Seeking
Did you know today is Single Parents’ Day? How cool is that, that in addition to Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we get another day all to ourselves?
In honour of Single Parents’ Day, I present my long overdue review of Rachel Sarah’s memoir, Single Mom Seeking.
Every mother has a story. A narrative of how she came to be in the place she is in, the person she is. Yet even though many of these stories bear striking similarities, they also have their differences. Rachel Sarah and I are, superficially, very similar mothers. We’re the same age. Our daughters are very nearly the same age. And we are both solo mothers.
That’s where the differences begin. Differences in circumstance. In attitude. In approach.
Rachel Sarah never intended to be a solo mom. She and her boyfriend, Eric, were going to raise their daughter together, forming a perfectly balanced family triangle. And then she came home from Thanksgiving Dinner, their seven month old daughter in her arms, to find that triangle shattered, left listing to one side in the face of his sudden and total absence from their lives.
I never intended to be a solo mom, either, but I knew even before the stick turned blue that I would be. That my family would consist of myself and my daughter, balancing each other, perhaps imperfectly, but balancing nonetheless.
When Rachel began her life as a single mom, she was so overcome by the shock, and the stigma, that at first she couldn’t even utter the words. She shied away from the definition, unwilling to announce to the world a fact that she was barely willing to acknowledge to herself. Now, nearly seven years into this existence she never chose for herself, Rachel has come to terms with her single mom status, going so far as to title her memoir, “Single Mom Seeking.”
I like Rachel. I like her in person (or whatever the internet equivalent of that is), and I liked her on paper. Which is what made parts of the book hard for me to take; at times, I just wanted to reach into the pages, shake her, and ask “what are you thinking?” Given that it is a memoir, we are treated to some of her thoughts on her various relationship misadventures, but not enough for my taste. To be honest, I would’ve liked to hear more about the single mom aspect of her life, and less about the seeking.
But maybe that’s because I get it when Rachel writes about being a single mom. I recognize the heaps of laundry. I’ve lived the exercise in military planning that a trip to the drugstore to buy tampons can become. And I certainly understand the desire to just fedex a guy from boyfriendstore.com, not to mention the need to entertain him in the living room. I just don’t get the seeking part.
I’m sure part of that is because I never was very good at dating anyway, so the idea of having binders full of blind dates is, to me, the equivalent of the third circle of hell. But it’s more than just distaste for dating; I do have 2 children after all. It’s also a difference in philosophy and approach. Where Rachel saw her two person family as broken, I have always seen mine as intact. That fundamental difference in perspective has shaped us both, as parents and as people.
While I may occasionally share my bed with a man, my life—and more importantly, my daughters’—is another story. In my story, happily ever after happens without the Prince Charming, and there are no “uncles” or stepfathers, wicked or otherwise, in the cast of characters. Rachel and I agree that the life of a single mom need not resemble that of a nun, but that’s where we part ways. In my life, I’ve made a conscious decision to keep my social life separate from my children; in Rachel’s, they are often tangled together, including a memorable occasion where her daughter, Mae, is brought along on a date from hell that shows Rachel once and for all that there are worse things in life than being a single mom.
Even though ostensibly what she’s seeking is a man to complete her life—to take the “single” out of her single mom–the true story that shines through each tale of dating disaster is Rachel’s quest to find herself, and who she is as both a woman and a mother.
When she first decides to jump back into the dating pool, she claims that she’s only in it for the sex, telling friends it’s “no problem!” when they warn her not to get attached, that their fix up is only one night stand potential. Of course, it is a problem as Rachel begins spinning happily ever after fantasies before the second date—which ends with him sneaking out at 3 am, effectively ending happily ever after before it’s even begun.
Her next attempt turns out a little better— Three weeks after meeting Victor, eighteen month old Mae is playing right along with Rachel’s fantasies of balanced triangles and instant families to replace the one she’s lost, calling him Daddy. The situation becomes complicated when the real daddy makes one of his intermittent appearances, however, and three weeks later, Victor and Eric have both disappeared, leaving Rachel and Mae alone to balance each other once again.
The decision to move back to California changes the dynamic as, with the addition of her father and a cadre of single moms who tell it like it is, Rachel’s broken triangle is reshaped into a circle of family and friends who help her find her feet and keep her balance, even when she’s wearing her first date skirt and heels. There are still losers aplenty, especially when she takes the plunge into the world of online dating, but now there are also voices of reason, such as her friend Siobhan, who teaches Rachel the mantra “never go back for more where there is only less.”
Rachel does eventually learn to make better choices, and to see her family more clearly for what it is and not for what it isn’t. She learns to stop seeing her family as less, even while she continues to search for more, and eventually manages to let go of her fantasies, raise her standards, and stop confusing Mr. Right Now with Mr. Right.
What is hardest about reading a memoir like this that it’s not fiction. In fiction, we can be comfortable that the choices made by a character weren’t real and didn’t actually mess anyone up, but this is a memoir, which means we are talking about the real lives of real people. And in the real world, all choices have consequences, so I just can’t feel completely comfortable with Rachel learning how to protect herself from the emotional turmoil of adult dating when so much of the book consisted of leaving her daughter so very vulnerable to repeated abandonment by one man after another.
I will compliment Rachel for her brave portrayal of a woman who was traumatized by her sudden change of circumstances, floundered for a time, and then found her strength and integrity again. I won’t say the portrayal was unflinching. There were times when I was left unsatisfied by the details left out and the thoughts not followed to their conclusion. It’s not that she’s not entitled to her privacy, but rather that the point of a memoir is to make the reader understand a life, and even though our lives are similar in so many ways, there were many times that I simply didn’t understand.
I’m trying to, though. Single Mom Seeking has made me reflect about my own values, and some of my prejudices, about dating and motherhood. I realized that I’m not entirely certain which is which. Kids benefit from having a lot of influences in their lives, and from mothers who are vibrant, fulfilled women. But they are also vulnerable to the damage of abandonment that is the almost inevitable result of a failed relationship. How each mother balances those issues is an intensely personal decision, and I’m not sure there is one right answer to the questions the subject brings up. I am glad that Rachel decided to tell her story, and to get us all thinking about them.
Now it’s your turn. What did you think about Single Mom Seeking? What do you think about dating with kids? Write your own post and link to it, or put your thoughts in the comments below. Rachel and I are eager to hear what you have to say.