It All Comes Down To Choices
“I’ll say right now I’m not a fan of unplanned parenting. The world is filled with unwanted children, parents by situation, not by choice. We’re not breed-to-exist mammals anymore. In this day and age where overpopulation is a reality, to think that there are children out there that aren’t wanted or loved 100% is nothing short of a social crime.“
That, in a nutshell, is Facebook Guy’s Philosophy of Procreation. It’s not exactly a deal breaker, since in theory I agree with his basic principle, but in practice….well, there I have some issues.
I think we’d all agree that planned parenting trumps unplanned parenting almost every time. But we all know what they say about best laid plans….
I am a parent by situation. I have never greeted the arrival of 2 lines on a home pregnancy test with unabashed glee nor have heartfelt congratulations ever been the first reaction to sharing my news. But for all that, I am also a parent by choice.
I’m Canadian; we don’t even really debate abortion here, and it’s covered under the universal health care benefits. So it’s not an overstatement or simple dramatics for me to say that I chose to have my children. I didn’t have to, and I certainly thought long and hard about my options before I did. Given the resources available to women today, I agree with Facebook Guy that there is absolutely no excuse for an unwanted or unloved child in this world.
Where Facebook Guy and I part ways in this discussion is in his conflation of the terms unplanned, unwanted, and unloved. These are not synonyms and are not interchangeable ideas. Not every unplanned pregnancy is unwanted, and not all unwanted children are unloved.
My children are deeply loved. But as I’ve pointed out, neither one of them was planned. As to wanted? Well, that’s a bit more complicated.
I always wanted children. So I guess in that way, you could say they were wanted. But did I want these particular children? The union of dna that became Diva Girl and The Zen Baby? I suppose so, since I chose to allow them growing room in my body and tv rights in my livingroom. But if you had asked me, at that moment of conception, if they were wanted, the honest answer would have been a resounding, “No!” And yet, when it came time to choose, to decide on the shape of my life, I found that I did want them, despite my best efforts put forward to prevent their being.
In spite of the lack of planning (or should I say failure of planning, because there were plans. Just not good plans, apparently.) , in spite of the less than ideal circumstances of conception and beyond, regardless of the upheaval and difficulty I knew they would each bring to my life, when it came time to make that choice, I found that I wanted my daughters. Or I that wanted to be their mother, anyway.
I’ve never regretted that decision. I may not always like my children–or my life with children, if we’re being honest here–but my love for them is the unshakable foundation that allows me to acknowledge that momentary dissatisfaction and move on. This may not be the life I planned, but it is everything I never knew I always wanted.
Comment by Kate
it constantly amazes me that you manage to write what I am thinking. Thanks, I needed a reminder today!
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 3:20 am
Comment by InTheFastLane
None of my children were planned (three times unplanned). But, I see enough children in my line of work, whose parents are/were completely unready to deal with the maturation that needs to occur to truly “want” to be parents. There is a difference in becoming a parent by default and becoming a parent that works hard at providing the best life they can for their children. In some of these cases, I often wonder what choices these parents could have/should have made before taking on the responsibilities of parenthood.
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 5:34 am
Comment by Rebecca
Extremely well written. I feel exactly the same way. Except… I’m afraid for me, Facebook Guy’s ideas would be a deal breaker. But I’m a little unbendable sometimes.
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 7:35 am
Comment by Sophia
I love this post. I think it’s one of your best yet. You’ve got a way of expressing what I feel yet cannot find the words (or strength) to post.
Thank you.
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 7:59 am
Comment by thordora
Aren’t most pregnancies unplanned in some way anyway?
My kids aren’t planned, but man, they’re cool.
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 11:37 am
Comment by bubandpie
Thordora said it first - the stat I heard was that 50% of pregnancies are unplanned (the other 50%, I believe, occur only after a long, arduous process of infertility). The first time I heard that stat I was incredulous. There were four people in the room so I said, “That means that two of us were unplanned!” And then I realized, “Oh, right, and I’m one of them.” (That whole born nine months after my parents’ wedding thing seemed really cute when I was a kid, but now I get it).
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Comment by Mary
He doesn’t have kids, does he?
I don’t think any parent is that unequivocal in their feelings for the children. At some point or another, even the most dedicated and loving of us wonders just why we’re doing this, and maybe even experiences the odd fleeting regret that there’s no escape! And, as you’ve expressed so eloquently, the fact that a child was unplanned does not mean that they will not be fervently loved when they make their appearance.
For the record, my own three children were entirely planned. We decided to hold off on having a baby after we were married, and we did, for three years. Then we decided it was time to make a baby, and, six weeks later, there was one on the way.
We did that twice more, though with different spacing between the second and third. (Deliberately.) So it does happen that babies can be planned and well-spaced, without either ‘accidents’ or infertility.
I, however, was my mother’s Big Surprise… And my nephew was my sister’s, and my niece my sister-in-law’s… “Surprises” still happen, even in these days of easy access to effective birth control. And the children are no less loved, cherished, and valued for all that.
Posted on October 12, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Comment by Dixie
If I had to guess I would say this guy is not a parent. Unplanned and unwanted are two seperate issues. Neither of my children were planned my husband and I were married for almost 2 yrs (and we were having a riot)not close to even thinking about children (we would actually make jokes about it) then one day….Boom! Life as we knew it was over, and a new one began. Wouldn’t change a thing!
Posted on October 14, 2007 at 9:52 pm