Parenting Without A License

Maybe She’ll Settle For A Baby Alive

Posted by Kimberly on October 18th, 2007 — Posted in Kipple

There’s a baby boom going on right now both online and in my real life circle of friends.  Suddenly there are bellies and babies everywhere and it’s got me thinking about my own belly and the babies that may or may not take up residence there. It’s natural, I think, the sense of nostalgia and possibility that accompanies the announcement of a pregnancy, the swell of a belly, and the scent of a newborn baby–Particularly when you’re removed enough from your own last experience with new motherhood that you no longer have a visceral memory of the morning sickness, blocked ducts, and bone deep exhaustion that go with it.

Grown women aren’t the only ones subject to this pull; small children are also susceptible to the allure of the new baby. Along with passionately held food beliefs and a penchant for princess dresses, one of the hallmarks of 3 is the desire for a younger sibling.  When Diva Girl was 3, so great was her desire for a a baby sister, she stopped asking me for one and simply started announcing to all and sundry–including her grandparents and her kindergarten teacher–that she was getting one.  The Zen Baby isn’t quite that obsessed, but not a day goes by without her asking, “Can I have a baby sister?”

Although I never planned to have Regan when I did, I always knew that Sabrina wouldn’t be an only child.  Life with my wee Diva Girl was a fulfilling rollecoaster ride, but somehow with just the two of us our family didn’t quite feel complete. The evidence of this ambivalence could be found in my mother’s basement in the boxes of carefully folded onesies and the outgrown baby paraphernalia packed away in corners rather than passed on.  I wasn’t sure how or when I’d have a second child, but as I held my friends’ newborn babies I definitely hoped that one day the tiny blanket wrapped bundle I held would be my own.

This time, things are different.  Now when I switch the baby’s wardrobe over from Summer to Fall the outgrown clothes are not lovingly packed away in a gesture of hope and faith.  Now, they are donated to shelters or to other single moms I know, the sentimental attachment I feel to my favourite dresses outweighed by my desire to free myself from unnecessary clutter.  In the back of my head, each time I gave away another box of my children’s babyhood I thought, “Well, it doesn’t really mean anything.  I can get new things if I ever need to.”

And then I went to the hospital to see the long awaited, newly arrived Nicholas (and his mother, of course). I wasn’t quite sure how I would feel, seeing this new baby for the first time.  Would I be overwhelmed with maternal lust?  Would his tiny form spark in me an enormous yearning?  A 7 lb empty place in my heart?

Sitting in the hospital  rocking chair with this tiny bundle in my arms, Regan snuggled up against me in an attempt to get as close to the baby as possible, felt…content.  I knew then, even as Regan was asking me “Can we have our own baby?”  I knew that I’m done; my family is complete.

I’m not saying that I’ll never add to it, because never is a very long time and the universe has a very twisted sense of humour sometimes.  But I am saying that I feel complete with what I have.  I don’t feel like I did before The Zen Baby, like our family is missing someone.  Holding my friend’s new son I realized that I don’t feel any need to have another child as I cuddle this one.  I feel content, and  complete, and at peace with the fact that I am the mother of Sabrina and Regan and that is all.