Parenting Without A License

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Come With Easy Titles.

Posted by Kimberly on October 19th, 2007 — Posted in Just Like Riding A Bicycle, The Man I Didn't Marry

This whole Man I Didn’t Marry thing is really throwing me for a loop. I don’t know why, exactly. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not that big of a deal. So my ex is on Facebook. Lots of people’s exes are on Facebook. I’m hardly unique or special in this. Plus, it’s not like I’ve thought about him much in years.

I certainly don’t regret not marrying him. I mean, I have regrets, but I always felt it was the right decision, for both of us. Much though I loved him, much though I wanted to , I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to be ready; it would have made things so much easier if I had been. But in the end, I just couldn’t put either of us through that. I could live with not marrying him in the first place, but I couldn’t bear the idea that I would be his ex-wife someday. I never wanted to hurt him like that.

I never wanted him hurt like that at all, and not just because it gave me a certain amount of comfort to think of him happily married and living the life he always wanted. I don’t have that anymore. And all the regret, all the sorrow and confusion I’ve held at bay for the last decade–that I really didn’t even know I had– is rushing in and threatening to pull me under.

And now, I find I can’t stop thinking about him. Memories that I never even knew I had are rolling about in my brain, and in the sneaky way of nostalgia, it’s only the good ones I keep pulling up: The sound of his laugh, his easy, laidback attitude, the way it felt to be held in his arms…

On the advice of our mutual friend, I did end up sending him a message on Facebook. I thought about what to say for a few days before I eventually worked up the courage to hit send, and finally settled on, “um…hi?” I figured that was enough of an opening to let him know I was interested in talking if he wanted to without being pushy or leaving me open to feeling like a giant tool if he ignored me. Which, to be fair, he would have had every right to do.
He didn’t ignore me, and we’ve talked a bit. It’s strange to be so formal and awkward with someone with whom you used to be so close. But really, when you think about it, for all our shared history, for however much we once meant to each other, we’re essentially strangers now. I used to be ok with that. Never even thought of it, in fact. But now, I’m not. I miss The Man I Never Married.

I don’t miss him because he was The One. I’m not sure that he was. I mean, if he were, he wouldn’t be The Man I Didn’t Marry, would he? I miss him because in addition to being my lover, he was once my friend. And I think, maybe, that part of me has missed him all along.