Parenting Without A License

Balance Points

Posted by Kimberly on November 29th, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, NaBloPoMo

Diva Girl has been letting me for at least a week that she’s singing with the choir today at the school mass. At first it was subtle things, like a note in the agenda. Then it progressed to a red circle on the calendar. And then, finally, the multiple times a day reminders that Thursday is the big day, and parents are welcome to attend. I get the feeling she wanted me to be there.

Me? I could think of lots of other things I’d rather do on a windchilly (totally a word in Canada. If you lived here, you’d understand) morning than hike a sick Zen Baby on two buses up to the school to sit on a tippy folding chair in the gym listening to a off key choir provide accompaniment to a mass presented by a bunch of barely reading first graders. I mean, I usually get paid to sit through that;the idea of putting out all that effort to do it for free wasn’t exactly filling my heart with song. But, it was important to Diva Girl–she’s never been in the choir before; that’s a privilege reserved for the big kids in grade 4 and up–and really, this is supposed to be one of the reasons why I supply teach, so I can take the time to do things like this and be present in The Ladies’ lives in a way that you can’t when you’re working a fulltime job. So, we bundled up, took the buses, and sat in the gym with the other Mommies, discreetly waving at Diva Girl as we followed along with the overheads.

In spite of my apparent bad attitude, it was good. Better than good even. Watching Regan’s awe and wonder as she explored the “big kids school” and pondered the idea that someday soon she too would walk these halls took me back to my own preschool days, when I I used to accompany my mother on visits to my brothers’ classes. And seeing Bree’s face light up when she walked into the gym and saw us there was worth every second we spent standing at the bus stops. Visiting school before I was old enough to attend, and then having a mom who was present and involved in my classrooms are some of my most treasured memories of my early years, and really speak to me about what it was like to grow up with a stay at home mom and the security that came from knowing that she was always there.

I’m incredibly lucky that I’ve managed to find a balance that allows me to pursue a career and motherhood in equal measure, and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to be reminded of that today. It helps to put into perspective the restlessness and longing I’ve been feeling since my job interview yesterday.

Yes, you read that right. Yesterday I had an interview for a year long contract teaching English at the local high school. And even though I haven’t been looking to change my career path, even though I’ve been really happy with the balance I’ve achieved between home and work, I want this job. I really, really want it. Ever since leaving the interview yesterday a small voice in the back of my head has been chanting “ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!” I want the universe to acknowledge that it’s my turn, that I’ve been a good sport, made lemonade and lemon meringue pie out of the lemons I’ve been given, and reward me for that. I was surprised,actually, by how much I want this job. Not just for the money, which would be great, or the opportunity, which would be very good for me, but for the experience of once again being back in my own class, teaching my own students. I’m a great sub, I’m good at it and I enjoy it. But being a sub is not always synonymous with being a teacher. Sometimes it is–and those times are amazing–but a lot of the time, it’s crowd control. And me? I’m a teacher.

I’m also a mother, however. And today gave me a chance to remember that, and to realize that even if I don’t get this job (ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!) that it’s not the end of the world. I will still have this life, this life that is already balanced, and full, and as near to everything I could want as I can imagine.

But I still really want to get that job.