Hiatus
I’m sorry everyone. I didn’t mean to leave the blog alone and abandonned like that. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, even. Somehow in the last week or so, I just never seemed to manage to open the wordpress window when I’ve been at the computer. Or my bloglines. Or email….
Well, that’s not quite true, I have occasionally checked my email. And I do know how it happened. I’ve just been in denial about facing it.
I wish I were back here with a rant about SPOC and how he once again let me down and left me frustrated and jonesing for my blog fix. But for once, SPOC is behaving in a perfectly logical manner–my near encyclopedic knowledge of the Britney Spears situation is testament to that. I wish I could tell you that my life has simply been too fabulous to allow me the opportunity to blog–but I think we all know I wouldn’t hold out on you like that. Heck, I wish I could tell you that I was abducted by aliens and that it’s hard to access wordpress from a zoo cage on Tralfamaldore.
I wish the answer weren’t so mundane as “Apparently, I’m depressed.” Not in a “something happened and I’m sad about” it kind of way. The “perhaps you should consider speaking to your physician about dealing with this general sense of ennui and lack of interest in your life” kind of way.
I’ve been depressed before. Deeply, clinically depressed. It wasn’t pretty, and it took me a long, long time to be able to seek help for it and to get my life back under control–a situation that was exacerbated by the fact that I’m a reasonably good actress and I can function and maintain some level of engagement for the sake of The Ladies. I spent a few years–probably more than I even realize–doing that when Sabrina was little. Just trying to keep it together for her, all the while feeling like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails.
When I finally got help–and it took about a year of thinking about it combined with the gentle but very firm encouragement of my best friend–it was like a whole new world had opened up to me. I had no idea there was so much happiness to be had in the world. So much energy, and possibility! It was amazing, and I was cured.
Except, apparently not.
I imagine that this has been coming for a while, but I confess, I never saw it coming. I thought I’d been doing very well with my life–growing a social life, keeping on top of the house, working, bogging, being a present parent to my children–but then suddenly, it seemed to all just…stop.
But, because that’s the way it goes with depression, there was no dramatic break. No robot wildly waving its arms screaming “Danger! Danger! Depression Alert! Depression Alert!” Depression isn’t like that. Depression, for me anyway, is death by a thousand papercuts, but without the sting. It’s just not feeling like there’s anything good on tv. It’s not being in the mood to watch one of the 20 or more DVDs sitting in the cabinet, waiting to be viewed. It’s the house constantly being in a mess, no matter how hard I think I’m trying to get on top of it. And worst of all, it’s not wanting to play with the kids. It’s a slow slide into futility, an erosion of joy rather than an avalanche of sadness, and that makes it all the more insidious.
My aha moment, if there can be said to be an aha moment in depression, was when I realized just how tired I’ve been lately. Bonecrushingly exhausted from the extreme effort of spending my days sitting at the computer surfing Spears gossip while remaining half engaged in games of tea party or groovy girls. I realized that I haven’t been this tired since….well, since the darkest days of my blackest depression. I’d like to say that that was my wake up. That I got on it right then and started working towards getting my self healthy. But depression isn’t like that.
First I spent a little while in denial, telling myself that I just had to be stronger. That I needed to stop being such a self indulgent wuss and get on with it. But when I immediately dismissed the fleeting thought that maybe I should see my doctor and get a new Celexa script, I fortunately recognized that the time for picking myself up by my bootstraps is long past.
I’m proud to say that I had the strength to make the call before I completely lost all ability to make the call. And I’m taking steps to get my life back. And this blog, and the people who read it–the ones who comment and the ones who lurk–are such a big part of that life. I’ve missed you almost as much as I’ve missed me, and I promise, I’m going to do what it takes to have all of us in my life again.
Comment by Stephanie
Depression is not fun, I’ve been there… thank goodness you recognized it for what it was before it got you totally into it’s dark nasty clutches. Hugs to you and hang tight! The light on isn’t a train. ;o)
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 11:50 am
Comment by Vicki
Hugs to you. I’ve been there, am currently in treatment and understand exactly what you mean about the slow slide into lack of joy. Wishing the best and hope things look brighter soon.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 11:56 am
Comment by Karen Sugarpants
I was worried about you there lady!
Big hugs - I hope you get what you need in a timely manner.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Comment by Stacey
This describes where I am at completely- I saw my Doc yesterday and filled my prescription today. Here’s to finding the sun again
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Comment by verybadcat
Well, your experience with depression seems much like mine; waking up one day and realizing you’re falling down the rabbit hole. Kudos to you for slowing the descent and taking steps to reverse course. Glad to hear that you’ll be around here more often, because I really enjoy your stories about the Ladies, and your thoughts in general.
Take care of yourself. 
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Comment by SassyBelle
Oh, honey! I’m so sorry. You’re totally amazing for realizing it though. LOVE to you— you’ll get through this.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Comment by Dawn
Im sending you huge hugs your way. Depression just sucks! I hope all gets back on track soon
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Comment by Rebecca
Congratulations on taking that step! I have been there and my Celexa and I are great friends now. I didn’t even realize depression was the culprit… I thought it was my thyroid again, or stress, or… well, anything BUT. Fortunately my Dr is smarter than I am (thus the MD after his name) and got me going in the right direction.
Hope it works as well for you. Depression is a terrible thing to deal with.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Comment by SweetyPi
It’s gotta be something in the air. Been thinking about the subject of depression for a while around here too. It was the tiredness that clued me in to my bout. Since I can’t be preggers, it had to be my issue with getting out of bed in the morning (or afternoon as today proves to be). Bravo to you for catching yourself before you fell too far. Have I told you lately that you’re awesome? Well I’ll tell you now. You are an awesome person. I don’t think we give others enough praise sometimes. So there it is. Best of luck to you and yours the coming week, I’m sure it’ll be a doosy (sp?)
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Comment by mayberry
I’m so glad you made the call too. I hope you feel better soon. That sounds like a lame thing to say but you know what I mean.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Comment by Sheryl
I’m so, so sorry … and I so, SO understand. “Death by a thousand papercuts?” Absolutely. “A slow slide to futility?” So true. I’m relieved — and yet saddened — that so many of us know how you feel. I’ve often wondered if the rush-rush-rush of today’s society is to blame for the malaise that infects so many of us. That and the avalanche of information available to us, suffocating us with the pressure of doing everything right. I wish for you joyous writing, DVD-watching, and most importantly, groovy girls and tea party delight.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Comment by Heather C.
It would be so wonderful if there were those bright orange flags warning us that a fall is on the horizon. Your description of slipping into the abyss is better than any I have ever read, and so very accurate. I am so sorry you are there but hoping for the best. But I do hold true, and maybe this is just so I don’t go completely insane, that the best of us do fall from time to time. You’re in good company, if that’s any consolation.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Comment by Stephanie (Catinthebox)
I really hope everything works out for you! Hang in there! You’re a wonderful person and I hope 2008 is great for you!
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Comment by Jen
I’m also very glad that you recognized this slip into depression before you fell too far. The Ladies depend on you and I know you aim to be the best mom possible for them. Congratulations for taking the steps that you need to get back to yourself. We lurkers are here to support you the whole way!
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Comment by Vane
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I’ve been reading you for quite a while but I rarely comment, but having been on the down side myself, I know you require as much possitive energy going your way as you can possibly get, so big hugs and kisses for you from your mexican reader, hope you wake upo to sunny days soon.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Comment by Shayna
Thank you for sharing, Kim, and I’ll be thinking of and praying for you. I have suffered from clinical depression too, so I honestly know how difficult it is. You deserve a huge hug for being strong enough to recognize when you needed help and we’re all here–in cyberspace or not–to listen and encourage! We love you!
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Comment by momx5
Welcome back, Hun! We’re so glad that you knew enough to help yourself. You are so worth it!
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Comment by thordora
SOmetimes I think that depression is even worse than my type of crazy-it’s insidious and quiet, like quicksand or a bag of ruffles-you don’t notice how far gone you are until it’s almost too late.
I’m glad you noticed.
You know my contact deets if you need ANYTHING. You’ve been there for me, I’d be happy to be there for you darlin.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Comment by Anna
You have my admiration for being able to recognize your situation, take steps to deal with it and then write about it. Your girls are lucky to have you and I hope you feel better soon.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Comment by Kate
Ok, I wish I was there and I might have noticed sooner, sorry I have been a slack friend and not payed enough attention. Im still here, admittedly on the other side of the world, but still missing you like mad, wish I could come and help pick you up. Let me know if I can do anything. Hugs from Kate and the kids.
Posted on January 10, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Comment by Florinda
I’m glad you were able to recognize what was going on, get help, and come here and talk about it. I’ve been there, and am learning what you just have - it does sneak back in even when you think you’re well over it. Good luck, and good to see you back here.
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 1:11 am
Comment by swfbelfast
Depression- yip. been there. done that. Well done you, for having the courage to nip it in the bud.If i feel blue I freak out and cry a lot but then talk myself around (the counsellor I seen gave me some great coping strategies). But i never rule out the fact that I may need to resort to the drugs again. Apparnetly its a neurobiological order - I much prefer that term to ‘depression’
DOOCE recently did a great post about her depression- I would encourage everyone to read it. be warned though it did make me cry my eyes out
Good luck, and dont hide yourself away. support comes from so many unexpected sources
H
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 5:41 am
Comment by Buf
Good for you recognizing and admitting that you were sliding into it. I’ve been there and struggle with it constantly. It’s not easy but you can and will do it. Good luck, hang in there and as everyone else said glad to see you back.
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 9:35 am
Comment by Emma
Sending lots of positive thoughts and big hugs your way!!
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 11:04 am
Comment by Nola
I too suffer with depression and know just what you mean about it sneaking up, the little bastard.
Glad you were clear headed enough to make the call! That one act is a big step.
Here’s wishing you feeling better soon!!!
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Comment by Julia
Keep your head up Kim! It’s only temporary. Things will get better!!!
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Comment by Eden
I’m on the tail of something like that. Hawk thought I had mono. In fact, he’s not convinced I don’t (I am sick now). So I feel ya, sister. This is why we have Scrabulous, so we can keep in touch.
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Comment by Meesha
Hugs from someone who’s been there. I totally understand what you’re talking about.
Posted on January 11, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Comment by Kirsten
28 comments, check you out! Confession does bring out the lurkers.
You know I’ve been there done that, and I’m impressed that you cottoned on to the problem so relatively quickly. Take the magic drugs, stay on for a good long time, and get on with life — that’s what it’s there for.
Posted on January 12, 2008 at 12:47 am
Comment by Lady M
Good for you, getting to the doc. It’s a hard step to take. I’m glad you’re back online!
Posted on January 12, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Comment by Betsy
What they all said. No profundities, just good wishes…
Posted on January 12, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Comment by Anna
I’m so glad you’re back! Or not actually gone! As you can tell…we were worried. So happy to see you posting again.
Posted on January 12, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Comment by crazy4now
I’m glad you caught it now. And I’m glad you’re getting help! We all need you around for sure..
I’ll be thinking of you!!! >>
Posted on January 13, 2008 at 11:59 am
Comment by Charly
I always thought depression was more, I don’t know, sudden and debilitating - more of the dissolving into tears over every little thing, being completely unable to function at all. For the last two years, I have been in this downward spiral, where all I really want to do is sleep. I don’t want to leave my house, it just takes too much effort. Everything’s always a mess, and I just don’t care. I’ll watch movies, but nothing holds my interest. I’ll read books, but 5 minutes after I’ve read a book, I can’t tell you what it was about. I find myself repeating in my head over and over again “Everybody go away and just LEAVE ME ALONE!” I don’t want to be around my kids because they’re so damn needy all the time. I don’t want to be touched by anyone or anything. I’m never weepy, but I am ANGRY all the time, when I’m not so exhausted I can’t move. I have often wondered if this could be depression, or if this is just dealing with life as you get older. But then I have the good days, the days where I want to take my kids ice skating or sledding and manage to do so for several hours without screaming at anyone or feeling that wave of anger. I have the days where I feel good and active and am proud of what I have done at work that day. And I think, this can’t be depression, because I would feel awful all the time, not just most of the time. Depression is when you can’t function at all, and since I’m getting out of bed every day (albeit later and later every morning) and going to work, even though most days I do nothing but stare at the computer, and cooking dinner, and signing the kids homework, well, then I’m functioning, so it can’t be all bad, just suck it up all deal already. But maybe not.
I’m making an appointment with my doctor today. Thank you. Before I go in, is there any good sites you can recommend that discuss the pros and cons of different medication? I would like to be slightly informed before I commit to a medication regiment.
Posted on January 14, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Comment by Emily
I too deal with clinical depression. The way you described the “loss of joy”, put words to how I feel when symptoms arise. I have never really been able to verbalize how I feel. Thank you for this post. It helps the rest of us dealing with this quiet ailment. You rock!!! I love reading your blog. Don’t forget that we are all here supporting you!!
Posted on January 15, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Comment by Stephanie (Catinthebox)
Just was checking back to see how you are doing.
Hope you are hanging in there!
Posted on January 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Comment by Leslie
Just get yourelf together for those ladies of yours! Not that we don’t like you, but they like and need you more
Posted on January 16, 2008 at 12:17 am
Comment by Christie
“Simply me” referred me over here because I just posted about depression. It’s an ongoing struggle and for some reason I doubt there is a “cure” at least for me. They could be the depression talking but who knows. I find that I feel better when I can connect to other people who know how I feel because no one around me does. Not that I want other people to feel this way, it’s just nice to know I’m not some kind of freak like others have led me to believe.
Anyway, thanks for opening up to us. I’ll keep on reading and pop in now and then. Take care
Posted on January 18, 2008 at 11:16 am