I’m here.
I won’t lie. Last week was bad. Very, very bad. I want to lie in bed all day with the covers over my head, I wish I had amnesia so that I could escape myself without the guilt of taking responsibility for doing so bad.
I don’t know why last week like that. There was nothing special about it. Nothing to send me down the rabbithole of despair like that.
But that’s the thing about depression, right? There’s often no real rhyme or reason. When you’re depressed, it’s about something. Some event happens to make you sad and bring you down. Depression, however, is the insidious encroachment of despair. It’s a cumulative thing, linked not to a single incident or event, but to life in general.
I love my life. Truly I do. I have so many things to appreciate and enjoy–from a reasonably nice apartment and a very flexible job to fake friends on the internet, to the fact that I am about to celebrate the third anniversary of my youngest child’s survival in the face of all logic. And yet, I find myself still here, in this place where my words are silenced and my senses are muffled.
The drugs are working. I no longer feel the intense anger that can so often be depression in disguise. The problem is, that anger and frustration has been replaced by a feeling of vagueness. It’s not quite sadness. It’s not quite ennui. It’s just….not quite.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the anger and the frustration and the overwhelming feeling of being, well, overwhelmed. But it’s still not living. And I am so ready to have my life back.
Comment by Shayna
Hey! I am so not a FAKE friend! You may never have met me and I may only communicate with you through the computer, but I am your very real friend who cares about you and worries about you and prays for you. I was actually coming to leave you a message tonight demanding a life update. My sister does this to me when I don’t blog frequently enough. She says she gets worried. I empathize. Even though the vagueness is not resolution, it is a step away from the anger. Any step away from the anger is a step towards regaining happiness. So, it’s OK to be vague and to have bad days and bad weeks. I remember feeling emotionally dulled when I was on antidepressants. It wasn’t ideal, I suppose, but I needed time to let my psyche recover so that I deal with the deeper issues. Take the vagueness as a sign that opportunity for things to get better is coming. Things WILL get better, Kim.
Posted on February 11, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Comment by Lady M
I’m so sorry that it’s been an awful week (month). I wish I had words to make it all better. Three years for the Zen Toddler is wonderful. Thinking of you!
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 1:10 am
Comment by Christie
God, you could pretty much be writing about me there. Last week was rough for me, too. No real reason. Thing is, I’m not on meds so I still have all that anger for no reason. I try to tell myself that I have a good life but during thoughs bouts I just can’t get through to me. No one can.
The fake friend thing hit home, too. *sigh* I often ask myself why I just can’t be “normal”
Feel better, although I know that may be hard to do
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 8:44 am
Comment by Nikki
Feel better! I’m thinking of you. Just know that it will get better.
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 9:55 am
Comment by Sheryl
I am so sorry you are feeling this way … and I completely understand. While I no longer take meds, I have learned that this is a chronic condition, and these downs will come. But, boy, are they ever black. Though I am one of those fake friends, I am thinking of you, and wishing joy for you.
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 9:59 am
Comment by Stephanie (catinthebox)
I’m so sorry you are feeling so down - depression is tough - you should be so proud of yourself for dealing with it. I truly hope this passes soon so you are ready to enjoy your wonderful life again. it does get better.
As an FYI - I had posted something nasty on your blog a few months ago and you had called me on it, and I apologized. Your kindness as well as your acknowledging my anger was one of the things that helped me to realize that I was beginning to spiral out of control. It was a turning point for me and I can’t thank you enough for that. I wanted you to know how much your kindness meant and how many real people your blog is touching.
Hang in there and I will think good thoughts for you!
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Comment by Eden
Been there. And it’s no help to say that you will come out the other side. The only thing is to be in it and to know what’s happening. In my experience, all you can do is go through it. And yes, the drugs do help.
The other thing I can recommend is talking about it. If you want to vent and don’t want to do it publicly, we all have open inboxes. When you have a chance, drop a line even if it’s just “this sucks.”
And keep playing Scrabulous and kicking my ass.
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Comment by Leslie
Good luck honey. You have enough stamina and perserverance to get through.
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Comment by MaryP
Ugh. That slippery dank hole where everything feels in shades of grey. Anyone who’s been there knows … that there’s really not much you can say.
Hang in there. Here’s hoping that the light returns steadily and quickly. Hugs to you.
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Comment by Meesha
I’ve been there, and it’s just one foot in front of the other for a while.
Sending you some “fake” hugs
Posted on February 12, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Comment by Cyndi
One minute at a time… it will get easier… I promise.
Posted on February 13, 2008 at 10:12 am
Comment by Cait
I hope you work through this soon. I’ve had the meds vagueness before, too. Sometimes you don’t know if it’s better or worse than what you were feeling before. I know sometimes I just wanted to throw the darn things away and feel something, anything.
However, the best thing I did was stay on them until I was in a mental place to be able to be weaned off of them with a doctor’s supervision, on a mutually agreed upon timetable.
Hope your jammies are comfortable
Posted on February 13, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Comment by SweetyPi
Happy birthday to Zen Baby! That’s awesome. And she made it beause she’s yours silly. Thinking about you and yours. Nothing but sympathy.
Posted on February 13, 2008 at 6:17 pm