Finger on the Button
The best description of depression I have ever heard goes like this:
Imagine that you are sitting in a chair. On the arm of the chair is a button. In order to get everything you ever wanted, all you have to do is push the button. That’s it. And yet, you just. Can’t. Do. It.
You want to do it. You how simple it would be to do it. You know it would make everything so much better if you would just do it. And yet, for some utterly inexplicable reason, you just can’t do it.
That’s how I’ve been living these last few weeks.
I don’t want to spend my days sitting in this chair, endlessly surfing the same 5 sites on the net and venturing forth only for grocery shopping, skating lessons, and Tuesday dinner with Granmma. I don’t want to be silent, unreflective, simply floating through my days in a pj’d fog. I want to be dynamic, energetic, and seizing life with joyful abandon. I want to be engaged with and excited by my world. Or, you know, showered.
The medication has started to lift the fog enough that I can see the button sitting there, but not enough to actually press it yet. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself as I sit here in my PJs day after day, cut off from my world but not making much of an effort to reach out to reestablish those connections that are important to me. Then I came across this quotation today:
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
It suddenly occurred to me that while on the one hand my depression has been very, very real, that on the other hand maybe it’s also gotten to be a bit of a habit. Maybe the reason I keep sitting here in my jammies, avoiding both living my life or reflecting on it, is that I’m simply out of practice.
So, I may not be ready to push that button. But I won’t know if I don’t try. And even if I can’t, I can at least flex my finger and try to get it in shape for the day I am capable of pushing it.
Comment by Karen Sugarpants
I was in your neighbourhood with the kids last night and nearly dropped in out of worry, but thought better of it - your privacy and my own hang ups about people dropping in (really bugs me) stopped me.
Push the damn button. You deserve it. Your kids deserve it. I don’t know many people as amazing as you and I’m afraid to lose you.
Much love - and remember - I can be there with wine and chocolate any night of the week. Oh and my ears, and shoulders too. xoxo
Posted on February 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Comment by Lady M
I’m glad that the medication has started to work.
On the goofy and totally irrelevant side, I’ve been enjoying the Lush soaps that you brought to me at BlogHer! (I wrote about it a day or two ago). Thanks again.
Posted on February 21, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Comment by jenny
very good post, I know how you feel. I’m going through something similar here and am forcing myself to get up, do stuff, anything, I have to keep busy. I consider ‘giving myself the day off’ but its a bad idea for me when hovering around the fence with SAD, sleeping in and staying in my pyjamas makes me feel worse not better! I get waves of melancholy and frustration and have to talk myself out of it all the time, I realise I am clenching my teeth because I want every bit of house work done yet I dont want to be the one to do it!
Posted on February 22, 2008 at 6:39 am
Comment by Buf
I get were you are at. I’ve taken a bit of a nose dive recently in regards to my depression issues. I’m learning that if I don’t force myself to shower in the morning on the weekend odds are that I will just lay around and surf/watch tv all day. (I have no choice druing the week since I have work and school.) However if by some miracle I actually hop in the shower, there is a chance I will accomplish something. Even if it’s a very small something, it’s a step in the right direction.
I do agree that the lack of energy can become a bit of a habit too. You may want to pick one or two small little steps (showering, getting out of pjs) and force yourself to do them. Maybe you will experience a bit of a ripple effect especially now that the meds are starting to kick in. I’ve also found that for me the idea of starting something is way more overwhelming than actually doing the thing.
Good luck and keep your chin up!
Posted on February 22, 2008 at 9:23 am
Comment by Dawn
{{{{{Hugs}}}}} Press the button, what could happen?
Posted on February 22, 2008 at 9:33 am
Comment by amy
I’m sitting here, staring at the button.
Posted on February 22, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Comment by mari
It is evil to take lives & nobel to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. “Don’t be scared,’ I tell those fishes. ‘I am saving you from drowning.’ Soon enough, the fishes grow calm & lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything. I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes. - Anonymous
Posted on February 23, 2008 at 2:57 am
Comment by momx5
(((hugs))) February is like that! One more week and the promise of spring will help to push that button.
Posted on February 24, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Comment by royalmum2000
Welcome to the club, my dear. I think we should start making and selling tee shirts! I have suffered from depression (as I think you already know) officially since the birth of ds (12 years ago), but in hindsight, for much of my childhood and teenage years. Cocoon yourself, you need it. Forgive your supposed short falls as others would forgive you of them. We are often hardest on ourselves. Let the medication work, and if you find it doesn’t help like it used to, talk to me. I can give you some suggestions on what should work. Thinking of you, and wishing you a sunny day. JM
Posted on February 29, 2008 at 12:13 pm