Living the Myth of Sisyphus
I’m trying. I really, really am. And I even feel sometimes like I’m getting somewhere. Until I turn around, look where I’ve been, and find that I’m right back where I started again.
I’m in a bit of a vicious circle right now. The house is, frankly, a tip. I am utterly demoralized by my living space. Which some could argue is an external reflection of my inner chaos at the moment. Basically, I’m depressed so I create a depressing environment that in turn depresses me.
And I’ll even cop to that, to an extent. I mean, I’m certainly at least partly responsible for how out of control it’s gotten around here. However, I’m not the only one who lives here. And while I’m certainly responsible for the recycling depot in the hallway, the past due kitty litter and the laundry pileup in my bedroom, I don’t think the toys scattered everywhere, the the books and crayons and barbies and dvds that conceal our floors, are completely my fault.
I took responsibility for it all anyway, though, because I’m the mom and that’s what moms do. Especially single moms who know that there isn’t going to be anyone else showing up any time soon to pick up the slack–or the crap off the floor. So, I spent a couple of hours on Friday excavating the livingroom. I cleared through layers of debris–Build A Bear clothes, lost webkinz, papers with a single crayon scribble, a Barbie harem….all of it picked up and put neatly where it belonged. I could see the floor. And once I saw it, I vacuuumed it! When I looked around before bed on Friday night, I felt a sense of contentment about this small corner of my world.
It took The Ladies less than a day to return us to our former state of chaos, leaving me once again feeling like I’m drowning in the quagmire that has become my life. It’s hard to muster up the ambition and energy to tackle the same task over and over and over again, knowing that there will be no real lasting results.
I do keep trying though. Every time that boulder gets away from me, I chase it down and (eventually) start pushing it back up again.
Today I tackled the dishes. Choosing snack options based on the dish situation was getting old, as was the spoonquest that had become a part of our regular dinner routine. So, I pulled on my brand new, super lined dishwashing gloves, grabbed a fresh antibacterial sponge and set to work.
I was in the zone. I was flying through those dishes, so high on my sense of accomplishment that I was actually planning which household chore I would take on next.
And then I felt it. A sensation connecting my fingers and the sponge that could only be described as “gummy.” An apt description, since it turns out that my finders were glued to both each other and the sponge by an abandoned piece of gum left in the cup I’d just washed.
It’s enough to make just want to push the boulder down the hill yourself. Or fling yourself in front of it to put yourself out of your misery.
Comment by Christie
Seriously, I once told my therapist that my apartment looked like I felt. It was horrible. And what you described is me to the T. Right now my desk has paperwork all over it, folders on the floor around it, glasses and all that. I never feel like I catch up.
Even though I have someone there to help me pick up my slack, I still feel like it’s not enough.
I tell myself that I don’t have time, sometimes, to clean it up. But really? My free time is spent lying on the couch, lazily playing with the baby on my lap and watching tv, while my brain screams at me to get out of the house. your lucky if you get a home cooked dinner at my house.
Posted on February 26, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Comment by Heather C.
Ah, the great spoonquest. And when you have that coupled with kid rash that covers all available surfaces, it’s enough to drive an already unstable mind over the edge. It sometimes seems like an ever losing battle.
Posted on February 26, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Comment by mayberry
And honestly, the effort required to get kids to clean up after themselves is almost always bigger than the effort to just do it your own self. arrrgggh
Posted on February 26, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Comment by anna
I can’t imagine trying to keep track of someone else’s mess in addition to my own. Hope you get some good weather soon so at least the girls can play outside rather than in
It sounds like you might be doing a bit better? I hope your climb up and out continues–I will be thinking about you!
Posted on February 27, 2008 at 11:51 am
Comment by Eden
Our house is constantly in this state. And lemme tell yeah, having another adult human who lives in it doesn’t give you another person to help clean up; it gives you more mess.
Posted on February 27, 2008 at 11:57 am
Comment by Sandi
Eden is right. I miss my husband terribly; I cry everyday, but I do have to admit one thing, even with two toddlers, my house is neater than it ever was when he was alive. He was a good man, but a bit of a slob (ok a lot of a slob).
Posted on February 27, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Comment by Anna
Perhaps a thorough de-messing of your apartment will be good for you? Have you parents come over and help you clean out and organise. In addition to the visual peace of a clutter-free home it’s good exercise that makes you physically tired and that in turn helps you sleep well.
Make a new rule: The girls are allowed to play in the living room, but everything must be returned to their own room before bedtime. Confiscate anything that is left in the living room, for a week or so. Give them boxes to store their toys in, lots of boxes, and make a system of organisation that is easy for them to follow - say, Barbie-stuff in one box, paper and crayons in another etc. You are the mom - not the maid!
I hope I said something usefull. Best of luck!
Posted on February 27, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Comment by SweetyPi
Nothing but hugs here. I have had illness’ to contend with otherwise I would have sent the hugs sooner. Good on you for getting started. I noticed I started perking up a little bit the more the sun came out through february. The only thing that breaks up this month is Miss A’s birthday. Have a glass of wine and set the Ladies to work. They made the mess and dammit, they can clean it up. Ok so that’s me talking to my kids… At any rate, I’ve resorted to the ultimate threat, I can’t tuck you into bed if you can’t keep the floor clean. Whatever your resort, please make use of their capable hands, even if it’s not the way you would do it, it will get done.
Posted on February 27, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Comment by gretchen
I am so sympathetic–I just have my husband and me and it’s still overwhelming sometimes to keep everything in its place. Sometimes when it gets bad, I go through with a huge plastic bag and throw things into the bag, then put the bag in my closet. It’s no substitute for real cleaning, but it helps me to get rid of the clutter. It’s strangely validating to just unearth the surfaces and the floors. And then if I vaccuum–I’m in heaven! Good luck.
Posted on February 28, 2008 at 6:26 pm