And Yet….
I don’t want to write this post. I want to write something funny, upbeat, light. Something sassy and selfdeprecating. I don’t want to wallow anymore.
And yet…The button is still there and I’m still separated from it by the bell jar that is depression.
I’m hanging on by my fingernails with The Ladies, letting everything slide that I can so that the little I have, I have for them. But I’m starting to worry that it’s not enough. I’m feeling guilty that they are stuck with ME for a mother. They deserve so much more than a mother who is willing to watch the same episode of Hannah Montana over and over again, who is just barely capable of pulling on pants a couple times a week in the hopes of maintaining some sense of normalcy, who wants to laugh and play and make fabulous memories in theory, but in reality plans the games around what can be played from the couch. And I deserve it too.
And yet…This is who we are both stuck with right now, it seems.
I’ve been clinging to the idea that I just have to hold out until the drugs kick in and then it will get better. But it’s not getting better. I’m drowning here. Being buried alive in my own life. Suffocated. Smothered.
And yet…I can’t give in.
I want to. Oh, how I want to. But more than I just want it to stop, I want it to start again. I want to hear my Diva Girl’s boisterous, infectious laugh and know I caused it. I want to see the Zen Baby’s beautific smile and know it’s for me. I want to embrace them and live with them in all their moments.
There is no joy here.
And yet…There is still hope.
Comment by gretchen
I am totally rooting for you. Hang in there. Hang on to that hope. Let the meds do their work and if they aren’t working, then talk to the doctor and change the meds. Good, good luck.
Posted on March 5, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Comment by sheenu
kimberley, i know where you are. i’ve been there.
and i know sympathetic words dont really help. well, they do, and dont.
but u have 2 beautiful girls to look forward to. i believe that will help you make your way back.
i dont know you in person tho i have been reading your blogs for a while now. you strike me as a strong person. and i have faith that one day you’ll wake up, and the darkness will fall away. (sounds corny, but i hope you know what i mean.)
hang in there. the sunshine is just around the corner.
hugs
sheenu
ps you write beautifully.
Posted on March 5, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Comment by Corey
Try different drugs. And keep on trucking along. One day the fog will clear.
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 8:20 am
Comment by mayberry
I am rooting for you too and so glad that glimmer of hope is still there. My hope for you is that it keeps growing and growing until it turns into joy.
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 10:12 am
Comment by anna
Thinking of you, hope the meds start working soon. My only advice would be to keep bugging the doctor. Make sure he/she is prescribing what is best for you–not what the drug companies promote the hardest…
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 10:50 am
Comment by graceyface
not sure that I can put anything that would be much help, but from what I’ve read you’ve pulled through much harder times before now, and I for one have every faith that you’ll manage to pull it off again
stay strong
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 11:48 am
Comment by Cyndi
Perhaps a change of medication would help? It took 3 different tries to find the right one for me…
Don’t give up!
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Comment by SweetyPi
You are almost there! I can feel it. You’re still writing, you’re still getting it out there. Keep going. You know what’s waiting. I have complete faith in you and your will to do better. It’s hard, i know, but it’s the journey that keeps you going. Those girls love you and you are not failing them. You are showing them you are human and sometimes it’s ok to have to fall but get right back up and keep going. You rarely complain when life hands you a crap hand, you play it out and so far it’s worked wonderfully for you. Do like Dorie says, just keep swimming.
Posted on March 6, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Comment by Lady M
Hang in there!
The three of you will make it, and you have silly singing movies to look forward to (HSM3, right?).
Posted on March 7, 2008 at 2:59 am
Comment by Eden
It’s hard to find a point on the horizon to look toward when you’re so enveloped by the now. If it’s any consolation, your last line put a smile on my face.
Anything you need, ask. Anything you want to say, do.
Posted on March 8, 2008 at 12:47 am
Comment by MaryP
When my mother was widowed with three kids at the ripe age of 25, she says it was we kids that got her through. Sounds to me like your ladies are your reason and motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They’ll be there when you’re through this, too. And they don’t now, and won’t ever, want anyone but you.
Posted on March 8, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Comment by Anna
I wish you lived closer…that’s what runs through my head when I read your posts lately…I wish you lived closer. I don’t think I’d be much help…but I’m a single mom, and I know how hard it can be on a good day, so I can’t imagine trying to get through it in the midst of a depression. Sending you big hugs through net.
Posted on March 8, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Comment by thordora.
You need some time off from it-from the unrelenting day to dayness of it. Can anyone take the girls for a few days so you can just be left to recover for a little while? I MUST have time to myself-even though I hate demanding it.
I wish I was there so I could take them for awhile for you.
Posted on March 9, 2008 at 6:57 am
Comment by Karen Sugarpants
I am here. And I’ve been emailing. Not sure if you’re getting them or not. Call me.
Posted on March 11, 2008 at 1:30 am