Close calls
14 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in General Nonsense, Stupid does not descriminate
I almost died today. No, really. I almost choked myself to death trying to swallow a headache pill. Swallowing pills are typically not that hard to do. There are only a few basic steps: place pill on tongue, sip water, swallow. Repeat if necessary. That’s not so hard unless you are like me and you are trying to make an appointment with the pediatrician’s office, swallow a pill, and breathe all at the same time. There are just certain things you should not multitask, I suppose. Lesson learned.
I spent ALL day in the car, which led to a headache, which then turned into a massive migraine by the end of the day when I finally got home. I couldn’t get to my bottle of Aleve fast enough. And of course, it took me another ten minutes to get into the childproof bottle. Let me just say, when you are tired and can barely focus because of massive head pain that feels like someone is trying to crush your skull with a mallet…well, that’s not the time you are best able to line up two half-crooked little plastic white arrows that BLEND in with the rest of the bottle. Ever had that moment when you felt like you needed the jaws of life to break into a plastic pill bottle? I could have opened it faster if I had just run over it with my car. I am sure at least one or two pills would have survived.
No sooner than I had the pills in one hand and my glass of water in the other, I suddenly remember I needed to schedule Baby K’s six month check-up with the pediatrician. So, I set my pills down, right? Nooooo. I do what any other rational moron would do and call the office with my head cocked to the side holding my phone against my shoulder and pop that pill right in! Yes sir! Let me assure you that is not the prime position to swallow just in case you were wondering.
I felt the pill get sucked straight back to my windpipe like somebody turned on a Hoover vacuum cleaner inside my mouth. Then it just sort of teetered there, threatening to cut off my air supply. I froze in terror! I couldn’t breath or I’d suck it down. I couldn’t gag because I was mid-sentence and my brain hadn’t caught up with the reality of the situation. I had an appointment to make. I just sat there for a minute in shock before I finally started to panic!
What if I choke to death right now? Is this how I am going to die, death by stupidity? How can I call for help when I can’t talk? The kids are here!!! What if I die and no one comes to check on them??? All manners of dire scenarios played through my mind in a span of seconds!
I don’t know what the woman on the opposite end of the line was thinking. All she heard was, “Hi, I need to make an appointment for-” followed by a very long silence and finally some bird-like gagging until I got the pill out and started to cough like I was hacking up a lung. I’m surprised she didn’t think it was a prank call and hang up on me.
I probably won’t be able to take headache pills for months now. I definitely won’t be attempting it while talking on the phone. Maybe this is a lesson that maybe I should slow down and not try to do so much at once. Or that I should switch to BC powder. That sounds like a more realistic goal.
