Posted by Kimberly on June 19th, 2008 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog
Some of you out there in the blogosphere might have noticed a bit of love bombing going on in your comments sections. About that…..
One of the worst things about The Darkness of this past season has been that in addition to barely writing my own blog, I pretty much stopped reading all of yours.
I’m sorry.
It wasn’t intentional, and it wasn’t because I didn’t care about what was going on in your lives anymore and wasn’t moved by the ways you tell your stories. It just sort of happened.
One day I didn’t open my Bloglines. And then I didn’t open it the next day, either. And then a week had gone by. Then a month. And then it all got so overwhelming what with the missed posts and the not commenting and it just seemed easier to avoid the situation altogether, so I just sort of started avoiding the Bloglines.
Does anyone remember the picture book The Story About Ping, by Marjorie Flack?
Ping was a duck on a Chinese fishing boat. Every day the ducks would be let off the boat, and at the end of the day when they returned, the last duck up the ramp got a spank. One day, Ping is the last duck. But he doesn’t want the spank. So instead, he hides. Rather than face his fear, Ping simply abandons the situation.
Ping was one of the two book I wore out when I was in Kindergarten. I took it out every time I found it in the library. Rare was the week that I did not have Ping tucked into my bookbag. I really, really identified with Ping. Something about the way that little duck ran away from all he knew and loved in order to avoid embarrassment spoke to me back then and, if I’m being honest, still speaks to me today.
Which is a roundabout way of explaining how I have avoided my bloglines for the past six months and now, as a result, am faced with 1387 unread posts.
At first I figured I’d just delete them all. Start fresh. Brand new day with a clean slate. Then I thought, just one post–but I won’t comment. Which lead to just the first page, and maybe one comment. And now? Well, now I’m making my way through the backlog and leaving comments all over. But you saw that coming, didn’t you?
So, if you notice me clogging up your inbox in the next week or so with comments on old posts, take pity on me and welcome me back into the fold–just like Ping.
8 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on January 10th, 2008 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog
I’m sorry everyone. I didn’t mean to leave the blog alone and abandonned like that. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, even. Somehow in the last week or so, I just never seemed to manage to open the wordpress window when I’ve been at the computer. Or my bloglines. Or email….
Well, that’s not quite true, I have occasionally checked my email. And I do know how it happened. I’ve just been in denial about facing it.
I wish I were back here with a rant about SPOC and how he once again let me down and left me frustrated and jonesing for my blog fix. But for once, SPOC is behaving in a perfectly logical manner–my near encyclopedic knowledge of the Britney Spears situation is testament to that. I wish I could tell you that my life has simply been too fabulous to allow me the opportunity to blog–but I think we all know I wouldn’t hold out on you like that. Heck, I wish I could tell you that I was abducted by aliens and that it’s hard to access wordpress from a zoo cage on Tralfamaldore.
I wish the answer weren’t so mundane as “Apparently, I’m depressed.” Not in a “something happened and I’m sad about” it kind of way. The “perhaps you should consider speaking to your physician about dealing with this general sense of ennui and lack of interest in your life” kind of way.
I’ve been depressed before. Deeply, clinically depressed. It wasn’t pretty, and it took me a long, long time to be able to seek help for it and to get my life back under control–a situation that was exacerbated by the fact that I’m a reasonably good actress and I can function and maintain some level of engagement for the sake of The Ladies. I spent a few years–probably more than I even realize–doing that when Sabrina was little. Just trying to keep it together for her, all the while feeling like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails.
When I finally got help–and it took about a year of thinking about it combined with the gentle but very firm encouragement of my best friend–it was like a whole new world had opened up to me. I had no idea there was so much happiness to be had in the world. So much energy, and possibility! It was amazing, and I was cured.
Except, apparently not.
I imagine that this has been coming for a while, but I confess, I never saw it coming. I thought I’d been doing very well with my life–growing a social life, keeping on top of the house, working, bogging, being a present parent to my children–but then suddenly, it seemed to all just…stop.
But, because that’s the way it goes with depression, there was no dramatic break. No robot wildly waving its arms screaming “Danger! Danger! Depression Alert! Depression Alert!” Depression isn’t like that. Depression, for me anyway, is death by a thousand papercuts, but without the sting. It’s just not feeling like there’s anything good on tv. It’s not being in the mood to watch one of the 20 or more DVDs sitting in the cabinet, waiting to be viewed. It’s the house constantly being in a mess, no matter how hard I think I’m trying to get on top of it. And worst of all, it’s not wanting to play with the kids. It’s a slow slide into futility, an erosion of joy rather than an avalanche of sadness, and that makes it all the more insidious.
My aha moment, if there can be said to be an aha moment in depression, was when I realized just how tired I’ve been lately. Bonecrushingly exhausted from the extreme effort of spending my days sitting at the computer surfing Spears gossip while remaining half engaged in games of tea party or groovy girls. I realized that I haven’t been this tired since….well, since the darkest days of my blackest depression. I’d like to say that that was my wake up. That I got on it right then and started working towards getting my self healthy. But depression isn’t like that.
First I spent a little while in denial, telling myself that I just had to be stronger. That I needed to stop being such a self indulgent wuss and get on with it. But when I immediately dismissed the fleeting thought that maybe I should see my doctor and get a new Celexa script, I fortunately recognized that the time for picking myself up by my bootstraps is long past.
I’m proud to say that I had the strength to make the call before I completely lost all ability to make the call. And I’m taking steps to get my life back. And this blog, and the people who read it–the ones who comment and the ones who lurk–are such a big part of that life. I’ve missed you almost as much as I’ve missed me, and I promise, I’m going to do what it takes to have all of us in my life again.
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Posted by Kimberly on December 22nd, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog
Nola over at Nola Notes tagged me for this meme “hoopla” that her friend came up with. I’m not really into memes “hooplas,” but it seemed sort of grinchy to decline. So, the Holiday Hoopla Meme “Hoopla”:
Here are the rules, as decreed by someone higher up than myself.
1. List 12 random things about yourself that have to do with Christmas
2. Please refer to it as a ‘hoopla’ and not the dreaded ‘m’-word
3. You have to specifically tag people when you’re done. None of this “if you’re reading this, consider yourself tagged” stuff is allowed…then nobody ends up actually doing it. The number of people who you tag is really up to you — but the more, the merrier to get this ‘hoopla’ circulating through the blogosphere.
4. Please try and do it as quickly as possible. The Christmas season will be over before we know it and I’d like to get as many people involved as possible.
Twelve Random Christmassy Things About Me
1. I believed in Santa Claus for a long time. Like a really, really long time. I think I might have been around 12 when I finally figured it out. (Which is weird, because I pretty much never believed in the tooth fairy–massive orthodontic work involving the extraction of nearly all of your baby teeth will do that to you.)
2. I still have–and use–the stocking my mom made for me when I was 5. It’s red felt and has an angel on the front. It has an angel because I’m the fifth kid and by the time she got to making mine, Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, and a Christmas tree were already taken. When my mom asked me what Christmas thing I wanted on my stocking–I think she was aiming for “Star”–my answer was….”God.” Angel turned out to be close enough. Over the years both of the Ladies have coveted that stocking and begged me to let it be theirs. It’s the only thing of “mine” that I have never, ever been willing to share with my children.
3. The Ladies have the Santa and the Frosty that go with the set. In their misspent youth, the brothers who owned these stockings decided they didn’t want them, so I took them. By the time they came to their senses, I had picked their names off and had my kids’ names on. heh
4. I’m strictly an Angel girl when it comes to the top of the tree. And while I don’t use it, I also rescued the angel that topped our tree during our childhood from the trash heap a few years ago. She’s kinda cheesy and definitely showing her age (older than me), but she’s Christmas and it wouldn’t be the same without her.
5. That Elf on a Shelf thing that’s so big right now? We’ve been doing that since I was a kid. My mom had these two little polkadotted elves who sat on the painting in the livingroom. She told us that they reported back to Santa whether we were naughty or nice. We were always good in the livingroom in December. And if you guessed that those elves now reside in MY livingroom? Bingo. They live here year round though, not just at Christmas time.
6. Santa doesn’t wrap the presents he brings here. Everything is delivered already out of the box and ready to play with. It’s better for the environment, eliminates that awkward question about why Santa uses the same wrapping paper you do, and you don’t have to do battle with all those damn twisties with an overexcited child jumping up and down in front of you demanding if it’s ready yet.
7. I have never cooked a Christmas dinner, and I never will.
8. I prefer colourful Christmas trees. None of this designer all-gold monochromatic theme nonsense. I like riotous colour on my trees. And white lights? Ick.
9. I love the old Rankin Bass Christmas specials. Love them love them love them. I even spent a ridiculous amount of money to buy The Ladies Rudolph and Clarice from Build A Bear this year.
10. Each year I buy each of The Ladies a Christmas ornament. When they grow up and leave me (sob), they’ll take their ornaments with them to decorate their first apartments for Christmas.
11. I like doing the stockings best. Buying the presents is fun, but the stockings are where I really excel. I love picking up those little odds and ends and cool bits to fill them with–all those things they never knew they wanted, along with all those things they always covet but I won’t buy them. It’s so fun to see their excitement as the excavate the stockings, pulling out treasure after treasure. It’s one of those moments where I glow with pride, confident that if nothing else, I’ve done this right. I hope when they’re older The Ladies will remember the stockings and think, “You know, Mom really knew us.”
12. I don’t like oranges. When I was a kid, every letter to Santa would contain a reminder that I don’t like oranges and a request that he put an apple in my stocking instead.
Ok, so that’s me. So on to the tagging. I tag Kate because I cannot imagine celebrating Christmas in shorts and flip beside the swimming pool, Eden because I want to see how the whole Yule/Christmas thing blends, Thordora because she’s in desperate need of some Christmas spirit, Mav because she’s just starting to create her own traditions, and Jenny because I can’t wait to see what she would answer. You’re all IT.
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Posted by Kimberly on December 14th, 2007 — Posted in The Ladies, Kipple, Blah Blah Blog
This is our tenth visit to Santa, nine of which have occurred on December 14th–the first one was December 16, 1998 and it was basically a very nervous looking Santa holding a tiny pink bundle (I’d post a picture, but see above re: WordPress suckiness). The first visit Diva Girl ever made, back when she was a Diva Newborn (and she was! The child was born pouting! true story!), was to see Santa. It didn’t mean much to her back then, but it set the stage for a tradition that has continued up to today. We don’t see Santa when he arrives after the parade. We don’t see him when we’re in the mall and he’s there doing is thing. We see Santa on Sabrina’s birthday.
It’s always made the day just a little bit more special, combining it with this seminal childhood memory. It’s a tradition we look forward to all season, from the moment Santa arrives back on the radar we talk going to see him on Sabrina’s birthday; it’s a way to acknowledge the fact that her big day is so close to The Big Day and to make the experience special for everyone.
A little bit too special, maybe. Today, before we left, the Zen Baby asked me if we could ask Santa to come back for her birthday. In March.
( yeah, I did spring for the Rudolph and Clarice Build A Bears. And no I don’t feel embarrassed. It’s like owning a piece of the movie! I totally would have made the Bumble for myself if it had been there.)
(I won’t password the whole blog, just one post. And I’ll pretty much be giving out the password to everyone I recognize or who shows me they’re a long time reader, or who leaves me a valid email and preferably a blog link. The person I would be passwording for no doubt knows who he is–hi!–and could quite possibly make his way around it, but if I’m going to post–and I think I am–it’s just one that, given current circumstances, I don’t feel comfortable having completely out there. And I won’t be getting to it before Sunday–Somehow I lost my mind and told Diva Girl she could have a sleepover birthday party tomorrow. Oy!)
13 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on December 1st, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog, iVillage
So, it’s not bad enough that iVillage took away my blog, forced me into linking my name with a woman that I can best describe as “odious,” and then fired me for complaining about that and other slights (let’s not forget the complete rewriting of my entire philosophy of life and personality to fit their construct of the perfect single mom: A pathetic, lonely woman bravely making the best of a bad lot as she desperately searches for Mr. Right. blech). Now, they’re not even paying me anymore.
For the longest time, iVillage and I used to do a little dance where they would fail to send a cheque for a month or three and I would finally work up my courage to get past my innately Canadian distaste for confrontation, particularly confrontation over money (how unseemly) and politely ask them if they could please look into the issue if it wasn’t too much bother. And they would come back with a story about the accounting department in India, and you how that goes and then finally get on with it and issue me a cheque. This went on for just about ever. Then two things happened: 1) I stopped being such a girl about the whole thing and left the apologies behind. Instead of a weak, apologetic email, I began to simply inform them of the problem and my expectation that they fix it immediately (I also started posting only memes and blogthings until I received payment) and 2) They started trying to soften me up for The Daily Mom blow. At that point, they actually amended my contract to state that I must be paid within 30 days of receipt of invoice and all was good and the cheques began arriving like clockwork.
Except, no cheque this month.
hmmmmm.
Now, really, the thing to do would be to stop work immediately. To refuse to post until I’m paid. But, I’m pretty sure that that’s what Girl Genius did, and those of you who follow iVillage saw how that worked out (within 24 hours, iVillage had pulled her blog and her archives off the site.). It’s definitely a way to go, but the thing is, I think it’s what they want me to do; if nothing else, it gets them off the hook for paying me for December, plus they don’t have to put up with me anymore. I’m not into giving them the satisfaction, so instead, I’m planning a week of memes.
So, tag me! You’ve got a meme out there? No matter how asinine, boring, or lame, tag me! I’ll do over at The Daily Mom, make my post commitment, and make a statement about getting what you pay for. (Not that Funny Mom doesn’t do that on a regular basis…..)
6 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on November 26th, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog, NaBloPoMo, iVillage
I finally posted my notice over at iVillage. With a little more than two weeks to go until I’m no longer an unwilling participant at The Daily Mom, I figured Thanksgiving was a perfectly symbolic time to inform whatever readers are left over there that I was abandoning ship leaving (and take the opportunity to direct them over here, of course).
I worked really hard on that post, searching for just the right tone that would make my disgust with the whole situation clear without being insulting or petty. I wasn’t willing to pretend that everything was copacetic, that I hadn’t been screwed over by iVillage, that I wasn’t angry about the way things went down and the way they’ve been since (oh, the stories I could tell!), but I was trying to keep the flamethrowers off of the bridge. I thought I’d done a pretty good job of it too, right down to editing out the part about my disgust with nasty judgmental rude “Funny” Mom being the main reason I was unwilling to play ball when the Daily Mom change went through. I wouldn’t have been happy regardless, but I probably would have gone along with it until the end of my contract without the added pressure of being forced into the same mold as Odious Mom. But I didn’t say any of that over there; instead, I kept it all about me and my dislike of being a team player. I was very diplomatic (well, for me I was!).
So why do I feel bad about that post today? Because Laurie, the other blogger, commented on my farewell. I have no issues with Laurie. I’ve read Embedded in the Burbs (which is a brilliant title, btw) and enjoyed it; it certainly never provoked the eyerolling and cringing the other blog did before I finally decided to be kind to myself and stop reading it. Laurie was very gracious in her comment, and even let drop that she wasn’t happy with the new format either. So why do I now feel like I’ve tarred her with the same brush and hurt her feelings by making it clear that I don’t want to be a part of the group? Probably because, even though I try, I’m still enough of a girl to worry that I was mean, that it wasn’t ok for me to express my displeasure at the situation at the risk of offending someone else.
So, Laurie, if you’re reading, it’s not you, it’s them her me.
10 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on November 18th, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog, NaBloPoMo
Lets101 - Free Online Dating
Pretty. Hmmm…I suppose so. I mean, I certainly haven’t been severely beaten by the ugly stick or anything. And I do “cute” quite well–embarrassing, actually, given my age. But seriously, is it really going to say “ugly”?
Smart. Well, yes. But again, smart enough to realize that the gateway quiz is unlikely to entice me into joining by telling me I’m a blithering idiot.
Loves to dress up. Actually, I do. Not that you’d know it by my jeans (not of the “mom” variety) and a tee shirt uniform, but I love to dress up. Clothing is costume to me, and I will dress according to the role I’m playing that day. Sadly, the role is all too often “mom of 2,” hence the aformentioned jeans and a tee shirt.
Love to bust. Hunh? I don’t even know what this means. But I’m pretty sure it’s not talking about Bust magazine. Which I do, in fact, love.
Easily bored. What were we talking about again?
Intelligent. Is different that smart how, exactly?
Fussy. No, you can find her here (and thank her for this post, because if it weren’t for NaBloPoMo related writer’s block, I wouldn’t be subjecting us all to this.)
Seldom Shows Emotions. Uh, no. They must have some other capricorn in mind. I’m pretty sure that The Man I Didn’t Marry is choking reading that description of me;I am many things, but non-emotive does not tend to be one of them.
Family Oriented. I live a whole 2 blocks from the house I grew up in. A house where my parents still live. And I can name all of my aunts and uncles and every one of my 50+ cousins on my dad’s side. Plus quite a few of their kids.
Takes Time To Recover When Hurt. Ow. Ow. Owowowowow.
Ow.
Sensitive. Ow. I cry at movies. But if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.
Ow.
Down To Earth. I don’t know about that. I’m rarely practical if there’s an opportunity for a flight of fancy at hand. Unless there’s a crisis. Then I’m pretty good with the down to earth.
Stubborn. oh yeah. That one’s me to a fault. I mean, I’m still here posting, right?
Loves Being In A Long Relationship. Does it count if it’s with myself?
Ow.
1 Comment »
Posted by Kimberly on November 17th, 2007 — Posted in Blah Blah Blog, NaBloPoMo
Actually, it’s more of an ennui. I have things to write about, things I’d like to say, incidents that I think would make interesting and entertaining blog posts, but I just don’t feel like writing them. I mean, I want to write them. But I don’t.
I have a confession to make: I hate NaBloPoMo.
The idea that I have to post is just sucking all the joy out of the experience for me. Before it started, I was posting nearly every day anyway, and doing it gleefully. Since it’s become an obligation, however, I find I’m actually kinda starting to resent this little “write post” screen. I hate getting to the end of the day and feeling like I have to post something. It feels like I’m back in University staring down 4 different essays and a sudden desire to move the furniture around and clean behind the fridge, right down to the fact that it’s November.
Ironically, it’s that university deja vu that’s keeping me going. Back then, I never did play by the rules, and I never completed an assignment in the required amount of time. It’s pathetic, really. I know the mature thing to do would be to cry “uncle.” To throw in the keyboard and go back to posting only when I feel like it. But it also feel like bailing on NaBloPoMo now feels like I’d be giving in to the self fulfilling prophecy of being unable to meet a deadline.
So, I’m soldiering on. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, though; let’s just hope the rest of November goes by quickly.
I miss my blog.
5 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on November 9th, 2007 — Posted in Kipple, Blah Blah Blog, NaBloPoMo
When I started NaBloPoMo I kinda made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t write “I like cheese” type posts (I try to save those for the other blog). That, however, was before I spent over an hour trying to get back into my account because the system kicked me out and I could not for the life of me either find the password or convince the system to give me a new one. While nowhere near the frustration Mir from Woulda Coulda Shoulda (I’d link, but lord only knows where you’d get redirected at this point) is dealing with, it’s enough to make me want to pack it in for tonight.
That is an incredibly frustrating feeling. In many ways, I consider the blogosphere to be a sort of virtual room of ones own. It’s that place that we all can go to and gather our thoughts and form them into something greater than the random bits of poop talk, kid stories, and celebrity gossip floating around our brains. Our blogs are the place that we go to speak and to be heard. They are where we get to create our identities to reflect the way we see ourselves and to shape our reality into a narrative that reflects and celebrates those selves. So when the room is locked, it’s not a good feeling.
It’s made even worse when the swirling pressures of home and work and family make you long for a room in which to escape. A room where the only sounds come from your fingers hitting the keyboard and your thoughts are calm and orderly as they spill onto the screen. Rather than say, two inches of mouse space on a desk piled high with permission slips, children’s books, Hallowe’en chip bags and Coke cans–an island of insanity set amid the swirling sea of childish chaos that is your toy strewn livingroom. Where the children hover like vultures, always circling, waiting to pounce in distraction and demand the second you are engaged in meaningful work of your own. Where your quiet, rational internal dialogue is replaced by irrational tantrums over the laws of physics and a series of escalating threats over bedtime.
So, now that I’m finally here, I find that tonight, at least, this room is still closed to me.
3 Comments »
Posted by Kimberly on November 1st, 2007 — Posted in The Ladies, Kipple, Blah Blah Blog, No Pudding Until You Finish Your Meat, NaBloPoMo
I’m still coming off of last night’s sugar rush–both mine and The Ladies–so today’s entry is going to be more of a bunch of unrelated snippets than a cohesive narrative.
Trick or treating was a little strange for us this year. Because I only take The Ladies to houses I know and our route is designed so that we end up at Grandma’s house, we ending up cruising the “old neighbourhood” surrounding Diva Girl’s former school. I used to do this trip four times a day, minimum, but I have to confess, the walk to her old school just about kicked my ass. Other than that it was mostly a treat, seeing the familiar faces we’ve been missing since we stopped hanging out on this side of the street. More often than not The Ladies were greeted with hugs to go along with their Hershey’s Kisses and more than one mom slipped them an extra helping of candy before we headed off to the next house.
Negotiating the Old Babysitter’s house was a bit tricky, though. I thought it would be weird to make The Ladies skip it altogether, especially since we don’t really go to all that many houses, and in past years she’s just left a bowl full of candy on the porch while she and Buddy went out, so I figured it wouldn’t be too much of a drama. I was wrong. When we turned on to their street we could see the bowl sitting there, waiting for the pirates and princesses roaming the neighbourhood to help themselves. Unfortunately, we could also see Buddy and the Babysitter in the window. Which wasn’t the most awkward part. That came when The Zen Baby admonished, loud enough for all the assorted trick or treaters and their chaperones to hear, “You stay back here, Mummy. We don’t want you to get into another big fight with Buddy’s Mom!” before running up to collect her candy. I have never in my life wished so hard that I was wearing a costume that included a full facemask. She made up for it when she offered to share her candy with me though. Poor, naive child. She has no idea that I’m totally going to steal it while she’s sleeping.
On the school front, Diva Girl’s teacher apologized to her yesterday. I hadn’t yet stormed the office filled with righteous maternal indignation (the principal was away at a conference), and with this new development I have to rethink that approach. If she hadn’t acknowledged that she’d been wrong in preventing Diva Girl from calling home I would have been all over demanding a meeting (and possibly her head on a platter), but she did and that changes things.
At this point I think I’m comfortable sending an email (cc’d to the principal) that at least on the surface seeks to inform and not blame in this situation. Although I’m pretty sure they’ll get the threat implied in the statement, “should this situation occur again, Sabrina will most likely have to wait until I can make the 2 bus trip up to the school to get her.” As to the custody stuff, I’m still undecided. One of the sucky things about changing schools is having to run through all the solo mom stuff again–mail addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. Rastin,” fielding the “where’s your dad?” questions, and explaining de facto custody. I may just save that one for the Parent-Teacher interview.
I’m sorry that this isn’t the best start ever to NaBloPoMo, but I promise I’ll try and do better from now on. Oh, and speaking of NaBloPoMo, did you see the snazzy badge over there in the sidebar? I put it there all by myself and I didn’t even break the blog. It doesn’t link to the actual site, but you know, baby steps. I’m not convinced that NaBloPoMo itself is a baby step, or even a good idea for me–I’ve never been very good with either deadlines or self discipline–but I’m trying to break out of the box a little this year and try some personal growth. Sure, it’s nearly a decade too late to help me with that procrastination problem I had in University, but I like to believe that every prof who ever granted me an extension (which would, um, be every prof I ever had) is cheering me on.
I wonder if moving the old Sanity and the Solo Mom archives over here counts as posting? No? I didn’t think so. Still, I’ll be doing that this month, so if your feed reader starts going crazy, just relax. I’m not going to bring everything over–the work to rule memes and the Daily Mom content can languish in whatever sort of internet purgatory iVillage deems appropriate–but there are many posts that I’m proud of and would hate to lose. They’re not letting me bring the comments though, so if you happen to see something in the old stuff that catches your fancy, feel free.
I’m off to raid the peanut butter cups.
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